A letter from May 26, 2025

Dear Radoha, Soooooo we are taking a break from college. Mock trial feels so irrelevant to where I’m at now. Adalia said she’ll probably be done with her classes in a year meaning she’ll move out here. I don’t what that means for me- am I gonna go to ISU? Maybe I shift and go to UIC instead. It may be more expensive, but then I can live in the city with Adalia. I don’t know… Sorry let’s recap- Summer was fine, I worked and did some classes and thought I was all set for Fall. Fall semester was going ok and then it wasn’t, I just couldn’t find the motivation to do class (I just read the letter from last year and it suggested switching out of philosophy which is funny now). I have a deep want to procrastinate and a deep fear of planning too far ahead, probably some dead dad trauma paired with the severe anxiety I used to have. Anyway in Nov Adalia was having hip issues and I leaned into that as an excuse and then I failed every class (except photography). Mom found out and was pissed- rightfully so. I left Adalia without a proper goodbye… that was the *********. That’s something I’ll always regret. Keeping her in the dark. Not giving her the chance to feel because I was too afraid. I got a therapist- Spencer- he’s a good therapist. Well at least a good fit for me. He lets me be solution focused and doesn’t push boundaries when I set them. On to happier topics. Adalia just came to town for the first time- I think I overwhelmed her a bit too much with all the stuff I had scheduled, but she relaxed into it and she loved the city! That’s all I wanted. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath around that topic for so long, just hoping, but now I’m so relieved- I can see us actually making a life here. Adalia can quit her absolutely miserable job with her useless boss. I’m so proud of her- she just finished her first semester at Pima and she got mostly As and one B! That’s so good!! And she’s starting her internship and more classes soon. I am so ******* lucky. As for Adalia and my mom… it’s so going. Everything with my mom is slow going. It’s frustrating, but I just have to pull through this and keep my eyes on the goal. An independent life, the chance to live with someone I love, and build a place I’m proud of. I can do it. I swear I’m gonna do it. Sorry this has been ramble-y. I’ve just got a lot of feelings I need to get out. And a lot of thoughts floating around my brain. Hopefully I will get that sorted in therapy soon! Well anyway HAPPY MOTHER ******* BIRTHDAY!! WOOO! yeah!! Yippee! I hope it’s been a good year. I hope you and Adalia are still working towards a future together- I hope you know I’m so proud of you, wherever you may be in life. As long as you keep trying, there’s something to be proud of. Here’s to another year of figuring it out! Good luck! Love, Your Past Self ♥️ P.S. We are currently watching DougDoug, lilsimsie, Ludwig. Reading the Hobbit as a part of a book club with Joshy, reading BatFam fanfic, and the brothers karamov on occasion. Also lots of Ace Attorney with Adalia. I forgot to send this on the actual date smh