A letter from Oct 17, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I truly think I have no words for my 25th year. It was a rollercoaster, but a good one I think. It started off in a hell hole. I had a blast. Best party I have ever thrown and had a ton of fun, but ******* my ex sent me into a spiral of self-hatred and the realization that I NEED someone's validation to feel at my best. I can feel good about myself without it, but god does it feel BETTER with it. The summer I moved to my own place and my life changed forever. I finally have a place I can call home, where I am safe. The constant violence against who I am as a person is over. I don't have to live in a constant state of fight or flight anymore. The transition was rough and I fell adrift. Stockholm syndrome they call it, when you want to stay with your kidnapper. Took me a month and a new psychiatrist but I made it through. The change of medication also changed my life. A whole 180º. I was finally FINE. Of course there are times and times, but all in all it's quiet, calm and safe. I am glad to be alive. I am not saying I won't eventually **** myself, because I still think that is the moral way out, but for now I'll stick around. I had a hook-up with a random guy I met on the subway. It was mid, but the last person I had slept with was B and I was obsessed with him, in the most unhealthy of manners. So I needed to detox, to get him out of my body. And a random **** was the way to go, I guess. Shortly after that I met H through a friend. Hit it off immediately. Not going to lie, I just wanted *** that night and he was cute and interesting and french. And then it evolved into whatever the **** that was. we lived together for ten days and then went on holiday for 4 days. I fell in love with him. Not deeply, not crazy. It was not infatuation. It was in fact that warm feeling that someone is right, that they feel right, in spite of all their flaws and the things I don't like about them. I knew it was for a short time because I knew beforehand that they were leaving the country but I went for it anyway because I always regret the things I didn't do more than the ones I did. I do not regret a single second I spent with him. It was a bliss. I was truly heartbroken when he left. I do and will miss him dearly. I don't think I'll ever see him in my life again. He feels the way Before Sunset feels. we decided to keep in touch and email regularly, about twice a month. It feels right to have that kind of contact. I think more frequent contact would eventually wear the relationship off and I love him too much to risk it. I decided I would stop dating men and would go for girls because I am in fact bi but have never fully explored that aspect of my ********* and also I am deeply tired and disillusioned with men. I went on an app for girls only and I have been chatting with a girl for a few weeks now. we still have not met but I kinda like her and I think this will be fun. In the meantime, I slept with a student I had my eyes on for over a year. He made the slightest of moves and I shot my shot. It was kinda mid but I think it'll get better if we do it again. I hope we do. I don't think we would work out as a couple but he's sweet and cute and will do for hook ups. why are my letters to myself always about the romantic aspect of my life? why do I value it more than the rest? I do find it more fascinating and exciting. I have a lot to say about work. I will start by saying I tried to hook up with my boss, who's incredibly attractive and intellectually fascinating but when he invited me over to his house he was very weird the whole night and when he kissed me it was by far the worst kiss of my whole life. He licked my face, my lips, shoved his tongue down my throat. Truly the strangest thing to ever happen to me so far. And things kinda go funny after that. I feel we left it on good terms but I'm not sure he feels the same. I still flirt with him because god he's cute and flirting is fun. If I had a shot at *** with him, I'd do it. I'm pretty sure he's the weirdest person having *** because if he doesn't even know how to kiss, I wonder what the **** he does with his genitals lol. I'd do it for the anecdote. Also as regards work, I met the most amazing of students in 1C this year. I love them to bits. They are also the reason I have to quit the school. There have been cases of harassment and abuse and the school is doing nothing to protect the victims and I cannot stand with an institution that reinforces gender violence. I don't buy the whole thing of the perpetrator is also a victim because he's a child and he's probably being abused himself. I'm not saying he isn't a victim, I'm saying none of that excuses his behavior and he is an abuser. I am done with the whole speech that abusers are suffering from mental disorders or whatever the ****. It's a whole system that enables this kind of behavior and I will always side with the victims. Always. I have also met incredible students I will forever cherish. I could and probably should go on at lengths about my 25th year because so much happened, but I trust I will remember the details and this should be just a highlight of key events. Once again, eternally grateful to the people who carried me though it. I would not writing this if it weren't for them. My 26th birthday celebration was a blast and I cannot wait to see what the year has in store for me. I think I can say I am a little bit less miserable each year as I grow older. I still don't know what the purpose of this whole thing is, and I don't think I ever will know, but there are some fun things to do. Hope you have a great year. Happy 27th. Love always, Maru